Ah, the old luxury German SUV. The dream of every would-be adventurer who thinks they need 18-way adjustable leather seats and a 5.0L V10 TDI to navigate the treacherous terrain of the Woolworths Food car park. We tell ourselves it’s a bargain—German engineering for the price of a used microwave! But here’s the thing: it’s cheap for a reason. That air suspension? It’s a ticking time bomb. The electronics? Designed to confuse even the engineers who built them. And the repair costs? Let’s just say you’ll need to sell a kidney and remortgage your house when the infotainment screen decides to die for no reason. So yes, we all want an old luxury German SUV. No, we absolutely should not buy one. But we probably will anyway—because, heated seats!  Here are some practical tips that you may want to consider when buying a used car. 

Cost: More Than Just the Price Tag

Yes, yes, second-hand cars are cheaper than new ones. But that doesn’t mean they won’t drain your wallet faster than a night out in Monaco.

• Depreciation: Some cars lose value quicker than a Hollywood marriage. Most take their biggest hit in the first three years. Ideally, you want to buy one when someone else has already suffered that financial tragedy. But buy too late, and you might as well be getting a museum piece held together by rust and hope.

• Initial Price: Don’t just grab the cheapest thing you see—unless you enjoy surprise breakdowns and the dulcet tones of a mechanic saying, “That’ll be expensive.” Compare prices, and remember: if it seems too good to be true, it probably is.

• Running Costs: Some cars are about as fuel-efficient as a jet engine strapped to a brick. Factor in fuel economy, insurance, and maintenance before making a decision.

• Individual Budget: A  2002 BMW 750il  might be nice, but if you can’t afford the servicing, you’ll be left driving something that only moves when the wind is in your favor. Know your limits.

Utility: What Do You Actually Need?

Buying a car based on what you think you need rather than what you actually need is a common mistake. It’s why so many people drive enormous SUVs despite only ever using them to pick up groceries.

• Purpose: If you’re commuting in a city, don’t buy a tank. If you’ve got five kids, don’t squeeze them into a tiny hatchback unless you want to start a family wrestling league. Match the car to your life.

• Mileage and Age: Low mileage? Great. But if it’s been sitting in a garage for years, the engine seals are probably drier than the Sahara. High mileage? Fine, as long as it’s been looked after properly.

• Features and Comfort: Do you really need heated seats and a self-parking function, or are you just falling for clever marketing? Prioritize what actually matters.

• Long-Term Value: If the car won’t last longer than a Trumpian rant about how "they're eating the dogs!", you might want to reconsider.

Risk: How to Avoid Buying a Catastrophe

Buying a used car is a gamble. Sometimes you win big. Other times, you end up with a money pit that makes you weep into your bank statements.

• Vehicle History: If it’s been in more accidents than a demolition derby car, walk away. Fast.

• Inspection: Get a mechanic to check it. You wouldn’t buy a house without looking inside first, so why would you buy a car without peeking under the hood?

• Reliability Ratings: Some cars are built to last. Others are built to break. Research before you buy, unless you enjoy spending quality time with tow truck drivers.

The Bottom Line: Buy Smart, Not Stupid

There is no universal “perfect” car. The ideal choice depends on your needs, your budget, and your tolerance for mechanical surprises. A sensible buyer considers all factors, does their research, and doesn’t just go for the flashiest option they can afford. Unless, of course, they enjoy throwing money into an abyss.

Buying a second-hand car isn’t rocket science, but it does require common sense. Think about depreciation, consider what you actually need, and don’t take unnecessary risks. If you do it right, you’ll end up with a reliable, practical car that doesn’t drain your bank account. If you do it wrong, well… enjoy your new full-time job as a bus passenger.

Of course, I ignored all this advice and bought an 18-year-old luxury German SUV. Wish me luck and happy hunting!

MR MINTER